Monday, June 4, 2007
Now i'm starting to like Jimmmy's books.just right! this morning when i felt so down i rummaged through my bag and found the book i borrowed frm library and the title was beautiful solitude.OMG how coincidental. i felt that there was at least something that understood me. Spilled everything to my sister yesterday, about how i felt and practically EVERYTHING about cliquish 1/3 and about my real feelings. haha guess what she said then" your class is horrid." i was like "yea...but they are all very nice pple" she was like "what's the point? But nevermind, my class was like that too in sec1 and that was how i felt too." The sad thing is that i felt even more horrible after talking to her. THe more i talked, the more i realised how pathetic the situation i was in. i realised. For maybe the first time, how,how,how horrible a situation i was in. I cried quietly, just letting the tears gradually flow down my cheeks, no one knew,only my soul...
As i said, i shan't care.i shan't let it affect me, i still love my life. i thank my parents for bringing me into this world.though it isn't perfect, i know that there are pple who are worse off than me, those who were born mute,deaf,or disabled. if they treasure their life, why shouldn't i? I know i am friends with everyone in the class but as cliquish as 1/3 can be, i don't belong to anyone. i have good friends like xin tong, josephine,sally,jesslene, Leting,Ziwei,pauline,poobrain(a.k.a huihan), gong yuan,jaslyn,stephanie etc. but who will always be my partner for projects? Who will unconditionally partner me? Who?who?who? i am friends with many but why why why do i feel so, so lost when the teacher says"go find a partner for ###project". i hate it.i rather the teacher assign groups. so what if the teacher assigns me with XX? at least i didn't have to go through the fear of not being wanted. i thank Stephanice SO SO SO much for telling me yet again everyday during the sabbaticals week "i partner you later?" i felt so happy during that week even though sabbats was obviously BORING. thanks stephanie. u made me feel that someone actually cared about my presence. I will be glad to partner anyone who asks me. ANYONE. ANYONE including XX. since she asked. but no one has asked me except stephanie and xin tong (who partnered me for geog proj). i know everyone has been going through this horrible stage of life but why whywhy can't 1/3 just be a WHOLE? Gosh i can immediately name cliques. Wait do i have a clique? Though i always eat lunch with sally is cos we don't belong to any cliques and hence we are left to xiang yi wei ming, though sometimes she really hurts me like hell. Anw as i continued talking to my sis, she told me that she found it so weird that we actually think so much into friendships..."You are like dating someone when you are with friends lah" quotes her. haha yea maybe i just expect too much. we can't expect too much, then we will be happier.=) like huihan and alicia for example( I THINK) they are real happy friends and they don't expect so much frm each other, hence they can be so happy together. ok that may just be a guess. so i shan't expect too much from my friends then. they shall just be friends when i need them, will they?
As i say again ----No one owes anyone a living, and most of all, no one owes ME a living. so i shall live for myself, and i believe there is still a ray of hope =) JIAYOU SHI YAN! GANBATE!
I love the song "when you believe"........
There can be miracles, when you believe, though hope is frail, it's hard to lose...
This shall be the sentence i live on from now on=) But please, steal anything but my smile, though it's fading away slowly...
the enchanted forest*