Dance in the Enchanted Forest...

Monday, May 14, 2007

i feel weird.SO weird.gosh, why on earth? haiz and i was REAL depressed after lunch today. i suddenly feel unwanted and useless all over AGAIN. shit lah.haiz... everyone's taking over my place. why whywhywhwywhywhwywhy. this is horrid, i see history repeating itself AGAIN. i see pple doing what i had been doing last yr. omgomgomgomg. i feel utterly useless. i realise i can think very in depth too-- when i am alone... i JUST realise that i DO have a lot of friends around me but after thinking awhile, realised that maybe none of them frm 1/3 will be there for me when i am down and sad.. gong yuan maybe, i find comfort in her, maybe she just doesn't really talk, just her presence. felt comforted even though i told her nothing during the bus journey to french centre.maybe i feel jealous, that other's are being preferred, i can't describe myself.

Well for one thing she never talked to me on the phone. the longest maybe 30 min? well i felt really happy then. dunno why. anyway she never TOLD me anything, we talked through another medium, haha. and now she can talk to someone, someone she can talk to for such a long time.i'm jealous.real jealous.maybe disappointed in myself.grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....i feel useless once again.crappily useless.REAL useless.well maybe i should give her breathing space, haiz, maybe. and now someone else is telling me stuff about her, not me knowing everything.imagine that.for how long have i known her? 4 yrs i guess. and someone else who has only known her for like 5 months is telling me about HER. how crappy did u think i felt.shit lah.haiz.i feel opressed but i knoe she feels worse than me.darn.but whywhwywhy why am i SO useless? i am losing that feeling.that feeling that once belonged to us, or maybe just me.i was happy, real happy durin THAT period. u are happier now, and i am so happy to see ur smile. though i doens't come from me. stay happy, really,stay happy. u have tons of pple behind u.pple that are TRUE to u. u ARE the lucky one, trust me, trust me.i don't want that space though it will be sensible to have that space.i don't want it.i don't. yes i guess i'm boring, and i am REALLY disappointed in myself. 对不起，朋友，我对不起你，我无法让你开心，只能眼睁睁地看着你在别人的陪伴中找到快乐。我也对自己很失望，很失望，我们之间也没有秘密了。我知道的一切，别人也都知道了。。。对不起。我看我真的什么也做不到。但你还是我的天使。。。飞吧，我就让你飞，我真的尽力了。

have to go study for frech test. i must persevere.i MUST.i cannot fail in another thing again.i have failed in something and i cannot let myself down again. i can't, i can't.i really can't.

many thanks to these pple: xintong--i dunno why i just feel happy seeing her happy
gongyuan--for her mysterious presence to me
jaslyn:for making me happy,in a way
HUIHAN<3 --who never fails to make me laugh everyday.i guess she will be the only person who would stand by me,i hope.
jesslene: for making me happy to see her happy
sally--unable to describe presence, somehow like gong yuan bah. =)

u guys rock my world. 1/3 rocks overall. friends make my world go round.=)

the enchanted forest*